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While he was in the bathroom, I ran out without saying a word. Someone I went on a date with on Tinder offered to drive me home after, like, at least ten shots.
He also confessed he used to deal hard drugs in college, but whatever, I have low standards. They pulled him over (of course) and asked him how much he had to drink. The cops pretty much laughed in his face, told him to get out of the car and informed him he was driving with 0.18 BAC.
Wince along with us — and perhaps think twice about swiping right on that hottie with a puppy. He then stares at me, stares at the driver, then audibly says he doesn't trust the driver and to be careful. When we met up, he was definitely drunk and had absolutely no interest in talking to me.
We talk and eat and he tells me he was a psychology minor — cool story, bro — until he starts grilling me about my experiences and legit psychoanalyzing me. He ascertains my personality type and determines I'm OCD and hyper-sensitive. As we walked to what I assumed was a bar, he walked in front of me (I took a pic).
That was apparently enough of a warrant to search him, and what do you think they find?
They asked me how well I knew my date, and I said this was a first date and we met on Tinder.
This whole time, my phone was dying and I had zero knowledge of this particular area of New York.
All of a sudden, he said, “This is my apartment, we can go upstairs.” I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with him and he asked if I was a virgin. He said he was clean and I was “probably clean, too,” so it “shouldn’t matter.”Again, I said I just wasn’t going to, but I did need to charge my phone.
We went up to his apartment (after I texted my roommate his exact address), and promptly plugged in my phone. I kept going back to my phone to see if it was charged enough, and at one point, I went back and he was on his sofa and had straight up whipped out his penis.
He started to kiss me and then just took a big chomp on my neck. I immediately got my phone and he went to the bathroom.
The cops started laughing and informed me that I should've gone on Match instead. He looked just like Johnny Rotten from Sex Pistols, who’s WAY hotter than Sid Vicious.