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Have you found any useful strategies for addressing them? For some reason, I was thinking about the fabulous opening scene from the first Austin Powers movie, and then I thought — I bet I can watch it on You Tube! So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…? Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws.Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation. For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that’s really a wonderful trait.
I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind, with my husband and my daughters, too. It doesn’t take any extra time, energy, or money, and it makes a real difference in the atmosphere of my home.What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? If I had to pick a personal theme song, that music would definitely be a candidate.Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them, though they remain challenging: 1. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because want to do them. ” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance! I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Studies show that married people treat each other with less civility than they show to other people — and I do this with my husband, I know. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” — that sort of thing.” Because I do things for myself, I don’t expect him to respond in any particular way. Confession: I’ve worked on this issue relentlessly for years, and still have a really tough time with it. I’m working hard on basic consideration, such as giving him warm greetings and farewells, not reading my emails while talking to him on the phone, etc. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.For instance, I spoke in a snappish tone just last night. First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s.
This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do.